I know this now. there is this one girl that I work with, she seems straight laced and down to earth. nothing to send up a red flag. but today while helping her with computer issues (the same girl that I spoke about a couple weeks back, my ethical violation of computer security to be specific), I found more about her than expected. it is kinda heartbreaking, but it is amazing that she is still around. she called herself suicidal in her teenage and early twenties years, which is amazing because she seems now that she is so full of life. dabbling in drugs and destructive relationships, being a runaway that was introduced into a foster family that was abusive (where her foster father fornicated, not with her, but other teenagers), and everything else that would be fucked up. this was sad to hear, but what makes things better is the fact that she is now a mother, and her kid is the highlight of her life. this brings a tear to my eye. I am not usually the one to tear up, I hide shit pretty well when it is bothering me. hell refer back to sundays entry (5/16/2004 livid liquidity I believe it was), that proves it. but her, wow, that is some really strange shit. I know it is nice to have someone to sit and talk to and try to get things out there and not have them burden themselves anymore. it is cathartic, and I appreciate that. she is about to be thirty, and I look up to her, she is someone that is wise, she had done things that I couldn't imagine. I know she has a great head on her shoulders, and she will survive. it is just heartbreaking to hear about her life.

this got me to think, the times that I feel so fucking angry or sad over shit I resort to this diary. this diary has been a psychiatrist to me, as well as others. it is nice getting things out before the bottleneck condition starts to occur. I am still angry over the shit that happened at work Sunday, I am sure I will never get over it, but I will do something about it before it really starts to eat me up inside. I have never really had a heart to heart talk with anyone because I do not really want to appear vulnerable. I am always seen as the guy to come and talk to when they are having issues to be worked out or have something to argue for the sake of argument. I have never had that strange of a childhood. I feel that I never got to experience a great one. sure I played catch with my father in the soccer field of the junior high school next to our house when I was young. I went fishing with my father, but things are missing. the emotional bond that children and parents doesn't appear with me. I may have one with my mother, that is only because she has raised me for the majority of my life. my father has supported me, more financially over the past six years, but not emotionally. I guess things are just way to different. when it comes down to things, I cannot open up to anyone. I am too much of a fucking recluse to do anything. everytime I see a girl I am interested in, I either make simple friendly conversation or I stand there looking at them reading with nothing coming out of my mouth. sure there has been opportunities that I have missed, and I should have fucking stood up and taken them, but I didn't. I think the greatest thing that I would say that I am proud of is the fact that I had asked someone out to the senior prom in highschool. needless to say that I was turned down, but I still asked. that was a major step for me. I just wonder what she is up to now. there is just way too much to think about.

there will be more of these real entries about me opening up. I cannot keep going on being angry all the time. I need to just say fuck it every once in a while.

so yeah, fuck it.

posted at 16:02 on 05.21.2004
gone // now // coming

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